I was born in Rotorua on 3rd December 2002. Rotorua is a smelly town on the North Island of New Zealand - I'm not being rude...it really is a stinky place!

Years ago there were active volcanoes in the area, and today they are left with bubbling mud pools, hot springs to bath in, hot jets of water called 'geysers' that jump out of the earth, and steaming green-yellow-blue lakes. It's very pretty but pongs a lot - a bit like rotten eggs...poohey! My science teacher Mr Newton says that the smell comes from sulphur under the earth.

I can't remember my kiwi mum and dad. Apparently we were being transported to a local zoo, but we got separated in the stampede when the elephants Nellie and Norris escaped from their lorry. They couldn't find mum and dad - maybe one day I will try again to find them.

The zookeepers thought I would be happier in the kiwi orphanage with other kiwis of my own age. It was a bit scary at first but I soon became friends with Kyle and Kelvin who showed me the ropes.

Our gang, the 'Kool Kiwi Klan', was like my new family. They taught me how to look after myself and I showed them how to look good and act cool. We were always up to mischief!

I might still be at the orphanage if I hadn't met Lou. Lou was one of those travelling backpacker people and came from England. I didn't know much about England then - just that they had a queen, red buses and ate fish and chips.

Lou came to visit the orphanage and I must have been looking particularly handsome that day as she said I stood out from the other kiwis! I was so adorable that she wanted to adopt me and take me travelling and then back to England.

Now I wasn't sure at first but then I found out that she lived in a town called Callington in Cornwall where they make pasties and eat clotted cream. Cornwall is also home to many of my distant relatives: the seagulls. They are particularly skilled at negotiating for food with tourists so I thought it might be a good opportunity to learn a thing or two from my distant cousins.

It was a sad day leaving Kyle and Kelvin but they understood - they always knew I was destined for fame and fortune.

Once Lou had sorted out my adoption papers and passport, I waved goodbye to the orphanage and my pals, and set off around the world. The rest, as they say, is history.

I am now a fully-fledged Cornish kiwi. I have a new British passport and I am a successful model, entrepreneur and all-round superstar. I will, however, never forget my roots as they make me the humble kiwi that I am today.